Turning Points

20/20 hindsight is never as accurate as we think. Although our perspective seems perfect, the past is always tinged by our own values and experiences. We also "see" things in the past as we wish to see them. Having said that, I can see three major turning points in my life; moving to Nebraska, marrying Jen, and having children. Now I'm faced with a turning point that isn't by choice, but necessity.

Life isn't going to be the same after tomorrow. There's no turning back, no changing minds, no exploring other options. That's been a hard thing to accept. Commitment has always seemed like something we decide upon, that we agree to (however reluctantly). Yet commitment really means that there's no turning back.

I've held on to this notion that I have a choice in things now, when I'm really just along for the ride. I tried to gain some sense of control by understanding what was happening and why, but that doesn't correspond to control. It's like a physicist stepping onto a modern rollercoaster. He may understand all the interactions between gravity and momentum, friction and acceleration, but once he's strapped in, he's just along for the ride.

Trying to keep things abstract has been another coping mechanism for me. This blog has been a key part of that. If I put things down as words, they lose their power over me. It's worked pretty well until the last few days. Reality has a subtle way of intruding into our lives.

I'm in good hands. I'm blessed with a tremendously supportive family, a loving wife, two kids who adore me. I'm going to be at an excellent hospital with a talented surgeon wielding the scalpel. I have a church that has brought my faith back to life, and friends that prop me up when I stumble. I don't think it's using 20/20 hindsight to say that I'm a very lucky man...

love,

Cj