Hello Darkness My Old Friend

Depression is such an ugly, sinister thing. It robs you of any emotional energy that you need to accept reality, and it distorts your view of that reality. I realize now that I've been seriously depressed for the better part of two months.

I think my surgery was like a long winter, piling snow in drifts of tremendous height. The recovery from surgery accelerated the snowfall until the risk of avalanche was critical. Then being fired was the twig snapping that set off my depression. I tried to fight it, as I had fought off depression when I was first diagnosed with cancer. But this was far more serious.I was truly losing hope and understanding of who I was, and what I was fighting for.

I've never been fired before, and I kept returning to the conundrum that I'm a middle aged computer professional who is easily replaceable in this day of overseas outsourcing. Mix in the fear of discrimination due to my cancer and my professional outlook appeared bleak. I've also been insecure ever since I entered this field, what with friends who are true wunderkind with the new technologies that spring up overnight.

So I tried to pretend that things were fine, that everything was going according to plan. Well it sure wasn't my plan. Once I started the second phase of chemo alarm bells were sounding all over the place. I was far too tired, more than the chemo should have been causing. I continued to have trouble sleeping at night despite new drugs. I slept in the day, and slowly lost any drive or energy to participate with my girls. I avoided my wife as I knew that she'd see something was wrong, something far worse than my chemo.

But when you have people who love you and care about you, you can't help but cling to them. I realized that when I was afraid to call people for fear of breaking down, well, I had already broken down. A phone call, and a sit down with Jen made me realize that I didn't have to try and beat this on my own. I wasn't fighting my cancer on my own, so why would depression be any different?

I'm not better. Not by a long shot. But, I'm on a new sleeping agent/anti-depressant. I'm not as afraid as I used to be about chemo and cancer, though I'm still awfully afraid. I don't think that fear will go away completely for a long long time. And I realized yet again how many people love me, and take time out of their days to think of me, even for just a moment. And I pray that regardless of my health, I'm always fortunate in that way.

love,

Cj