Wishes for Santa

It's been hard to have a happy attitude during this Christmas season. Whenever I've been in public, I've wanted to scream out loud, "Don't You People Know I'm Going Through Chemo?" "Don't You Know Rachel's Gone?" It's felt like I've woken up as a lefty in a right handed world, where the scissors just don't work.

Through this my faith has been sorely tested. I suppose that's a good thing. But I've had enough testing, thankyouverymuch. My family has also been sorely tested by this year as well. I never realized how hard sickness and death can hurt a family until this year, and though I'm amazed at our family's strength and resilience, I've had enough amazement, thanyouverymuch.

So next year, please just bring me a nice quiet year. Where the agony of chemo isn't quite so sharp, where the loss of Rachel doesn't make me miss out on the joy of my daughters. Where I can pray for others in need instead of worrying about myself so obsessively. Where I can feel the beauty of the world without feeling its poignancy.

love,

Cj