Winter Wonderland

I've always wished for the type of Christmas weather that Lincoln always managed to avoid: snowy and cold. Lincoln was always cold, but snow never seemed to fall as much as I would have liked, and the wind is enough to make you stay indoors through the duration. But this year there's been more snow, although the wind is still omnipresent.

I've been feeling much better the last few days. I think it's a combination of several factors: the initial chemo infusion is wearing off, and the pills aren't hurting me as much as the infusion did. My recovery from surgery seems much better also. I still have aches and pains, sometimes quite excrutiating, but nothing like the first month. I would be surprised if there was any lingering pain in another month.

My sleep is another thing. I still wake up about 2 hours after I fall asleep. Every night. But, I'm able to fall back asleep now, and that helps a lot. I still take two pain pills along with a sleeping pill/anti-depressant, and those make it easy to fall asleep. But that wasn't really the problem.

My depression is much better, or at least on an upswing (hate to see the downside again). My emotions still seem to close to the surface, but I'm able to control them much better. I don't know if it's the anti-depressants, or something else, but it's nice not to be so down all the time.

I've come to realize that I had to change my perspective on my whole cancer situation. So much is different now with my day to day life, from what I eat, how much energy I have, how I sleep, my body's plumbing, you name it. I kept expecting things to return to "normal" and I think some of the frustration that fed my depression came from this. Things are never going to be "normal" again, whatever normal was. (Some of you are laughing at the idea of me being normal...)

But that's okay. I just need to recognize the things that aren't going to change, and deal with them. And for the things that will change, just be patient until they return to "normal." Acceptance is easy to say, but not always easy to accomplish. But looking back on this journey (5 months and counting), I'm amazed at where I've gone, and what I've been through. It's been an incredible, horrifying path, but one that will inevitably define me once I venture off the path.

love,

Cj