Cycles

One of the things I've learned the last couple of days is that we don't always deal with things completely. We really only deal with as much is required to get it off our minds. We move on to other issues and think we've resolved things. And then, things have a nasty way of sneaking up on you again.

When I was first diagnosed, one of the strongest feelings I had was one of mortality. I was afraid of leaving my family alone, and angry that this was happening. I thought I had worked through those feelings the first week or so, and all the good news from ultrasounds, CT scans etc. reinforced the idea that I was going to be okay. So I was able to put those fears away and move on to more pragmatic stuff about my treatment regimen etc.

Ha! Last week my fears came back with a vengeance, angry at being suppressed for so long. I realized that despite the rosy news from my labs etc., that I was by no means in the clear. Good people, with far better prognosis than I succumb to cancer on a regular basis. I don't think this cancer will get the best of me, but someday I'll succumb to something. Someday I'll shuffle off this mortal coil. And I think that's where my anger comes in.

I miss the naivete and innocence of being able to consider my mortality as a far off thing. The first time I had melanoma, I was young, and didn't realize how close I had come to being a statistic on some dermatology study. But now, even after I recover, I'll always wonder if something is going to strike me down. And this is where the effect of Rachel's murder has been compounded. I can't look at my daughters without wondering if something will happen to them in my lifetime. And if I were to pass away in a year or two I wonder if they would remember me. These are thoughts no one should have to bear, and sometimes I'm just not strong enough to recognize them as fear, plain and simple.

They say that when confronted with a threat, people have two responses: fight or flight. For me, neither is the best. Both trigger a cascade of chemicals in your body to prepare you for either action. These chemicals add stress, and can be counterproductive. Yet I wonder if our mental health has the same defense mechanism? We flee from thoughts too grievous to bear, and we fight ideas that challenge our way of thinking. Yet how do we accept what can't be accepted?

I don't believe in mortal sin in the Roman Catholic sense. I think that we're all sinful, and God's grace can forgive each and every one of us if we only ask. So I won't let myself dwell in despair over things that are in His hands. Despair is easy to accept, but so damaging to the soul. I just have to accept His grace, and try and find the beauty in however many days I'm given.

love,

Cj