The grass is always greener...

It's slowly sinking in that my treatment is going to take ages to finish. Three months of chemo, one month of surgery and recovery, then three more months of chemo. I'm only about two weeks along, and it seems like forever. Even after treatment, I'll still need periodic tests to make sure the cancer has returned. That's what makes this so frustrating to cope with on a daily basis.

I've never been very patient. In fact, I'm usually quite impulsive. I've always wanted the best (although I could rarely afford it), and daydreamed about fast cars, mansions, etc. I was never quite happy with what I had, or where I worked. Part of that comes from being a willing accomplice in our materialistic world where we judge our happiness by our possessions. This leaves an unfilled void as we strive to keep up with the Joneses.

Yet the grass will be greener, just in a couple of months. I'll be able to turn in my chemo pump, stop taking daily trips to the radiation center, and start to resume a "normal" life. I'll be able to take a shower without worrying about IV lines, and the toxic waste clean up kit can go in the trash. Maddie won't ask about my "ouchie" where the portacath was installed. Life will resume. For now I'm just in a holding pattern waiting for permission to land.

love,

Cj