The Long and Winding Road

Today was my last infusion. The next four weeks I'll have my routine bloodwork done at the clinic, then Dr. Pitsch will remove my portacath. After that I have a two month hiatus until I meet with Dr. Greene for a CEA (DNA) test. I'll have a CT scan done around the same time, and then it's a matter of waiting until October for my follow-up colonoscopy. I'll have to have those annually for 5 years, just to keep an eye on things.

As I was receiving my infusion, I tried to remember all that had happened throughout this eight month odyssey, and realized that "chemo-brain" has made it really hard to remember specific details. Traumatic days, like diagnosis and surgery stand out, but other days have started to blur together. I'm really glad that I started this journal, so that I can go back and stitch the pieces into a coherent quilt. I don't know if I'll ever try and make it into a book for the public; partially because I'm not sure that anyone else would be interested, partially because it's private, but primarily because I want to put this all behind me as quickly as possible.

Writing a complete journal ala Neil Peart's Ghostrider seems awfully intimidating, but part of me realizes that I still have a lot of coping to deal with. A lot of the stuff I went through I didn't really deal with, just put it aside for a later date. Whether I need to revisit those things, I don't know. Introspection can be healthy at times, but too much of a good thing at other times.

love,

Cj

Latest Lab Work

Went in for a blood test today, all my stuff looks okay considering the chemo drugs.

love,

Cj

Cold, cold, cold

It's another day of subzero temperatures, not counting the wind chill. Sometimes I feel insane for having left California for this weather, but I'd probably be complaining about wildfires/tsunami/traffic if I had stayed. And of course I wouldn't have met Jen...

I normally have one week off between chemo cycles to recuperate, but this time I have two weeks. Not sure why, but I'm going to enjoy feeling normal for two weeks, instead of counting the days until chemo starts. So my last round of chemo starts on Feb 27th, and ends on March 12th. Then I wait a few weeks for CEA marker tests. This is a DNA test that looks for signs of cancer cells. I can't take the tests until I've been off chemo for awhile as they skew the test results too much.

After that I'll have a CT scan, and assuming all is good, schedule to have my porta-cath removed. They'll monitor my blood work for the rest of the year, then I'll probably be left to my own devices. I'll have to have a colonoscopy done annually for the next 5 years, and if that's clear, then that'll go to 5 year intervals.

It's so rewarding to contemplate getting back to normal. I've dreamt so long of what I'll do when I'm better, and now the finish line is so close. Two tough weeks, then I can exhale...

love,

Cj

Snow Day

Maddie woke me up at 7am, and we went downstairs to get some breakfast and let Jen sleep in a bit. Outside it's snowing lightly, and there's about an inch on the ground. Nice to know that we'll get a little moisture to help out with the drought, but I'd trade it for a 70 degree day...

love,

Cj

A generation apart

I learned today that one of my favorite cousins passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 98. A few moments reflection made me realize that an entire generation of my family was gone. I grew up largely in beach communities of Southern California, and Helen was part of a group composed of my grandmother and grandfather, Helen and Joe Hudson, Mary Ashbrooke, and Bobby and Ed Allatt. Forged by the Depression and WW2, they were some of the most self-reliant people I've known. Joe and Granddad learned to fly, and literally went from biplanes to the jet era with Pan Am. They built homes, raised families, and lived with an ethic that seems to be slipping into myth.

For me, I learned that hard work was always rewarded, and that honesty, thrift and other "old fashioned" values were what defined you. From Helen I learned that being kind, graceful and considerate towards others was how grown ups were meant to act. It's sad to say that so much of these social graces seem lost in our culture today.

A few years ago when "The Greatest Generation" was published, I scoffed at the idea that our current generation wasn't as good as the WW2 crowd. I felt that when called, my generation and the following ones would make the same sacrifices, endure the same hardships to keep our country great, to raise our children to be strong. Yet looking back, I try to measure myself against this group and find myself falling so short. We've grown spoiled with all this generation provided, and discarded a great deal of the values they espoused. With Helen's passing, the world is truly diminished.

love,

Cj

19 days of treatment

Ok, now I'm counting the days. I won't be done in 19 days since there's a week off between chemo cycles, but only 19 more days of chemo. Then a few blood tests, a CT scan, and assuming everything is clear, I'm done.

love,

Cj

Subpar Bowl

Forget the dropped passes, the blown coverage, the referees who acted like they had put their life savings on the Steelers. This was a bad, bad game. Pittsburgh played an incredibly bad game, and yet still won. I doubt this game will ever be shown on highlight reels.

love,

Cj

Sunny Saturday

I'm almost halfway through this chemo cycle, and it seems pretty different than the others. I'm much more fatigued, but feel less side effects. I wish my appetite was better, but mostly I'm thirsty for an ice cold drink. Can't have that for at least 5 more days, but at least I can sip cool drinks. Food just doesn't appeal much. I'm not losing weight too fast, about the same for the last three cycles.

I'm just far more tired than before. This is probably a red blood cell thing that'll improve as time passes. According to the doc, my bloodwork is right in line with what they expect. No need for any infusions or procrit etc.

My mental attitude is much better too. I'm very impatient, ready to get back to living. I think that's healthy.

love,

Cj