I've got a good feeling about this

Monday, January 30, 2006

No News is (generally) Good News

I know that a lot of you follow this blog to keep up with my health, and I appreciate this loyal following. Sometimes it's hard to post new stuff when each day seems the same. So if my last post was positive, I'm probably doing okay. During my week off between chemo sessions, I'm so busy that writing often falls by the wayside. And during chemo sessions, well, unless I'm feeling extra crummy, I don't have the energy to post.

It may seem counterintuitive that I post more when I feel bad, but that's how I draw strength from everyone, when I need it the most. Whether you email, phone, or send an old fashioned letter, it's all good. And the same goes for correspondence for Jen. She needs it as much (and oftentimes more) than I do. Although I don't like what I've been going through, I can't imagine how hard it is for her.

So today is the first day of the second to last chemo session. It sucks, but I'm so focused on the endgame (5 weeks left, or 34.5 days) that I'm not going to let it get me down mentally. I think that makes a huge difference in giving me extra strength and motivation to get through the day, to take the infernal pills, and to put one step in front of the other.

I'm listening to my music collection through a Squeezebox. It lets you keep your music on your computer, and streams it to your receiver. I'm so used to using my iPod or car stereo for music that I forget how much better it sounds through a good system. And I also forget how powerful music can be, to make you beam with happiness one moment, then sink in sadness when a song brings back a melancholy poignant memory.

love,

Cj

Friday, January 20, 2006

The winter of my discontent

It's snowing softly now, what native Nebraskans call a light dusting. For someone who grew up in sunny Southern California, it's definitely snow. It'll all be gone by the afternoon, and then we'll be back to the gray, cold winter. My lawn is brown, the trees a vague reminder of their springtime glory. The wind is ever-present, whether it's 30 fahrenheit, or 50.

This winter has been much more difficult than any I've faced, mostly because I've had to do so much waiting. Waiting for chemo to finish, waiting to start my business, waiting for a warm sunny day when I can take my daughters out for a walk to the park, waiting to feel normal again. I don't think the latter is going to happen that fast. I have some permanent reminders of my journey, and I know that I've changed in immutable ways that will only manifest over time.

My daughter drew a picture the other day, basically just several vertical lines in different colors. One line was for Mommy, one for Emily, one for Auntie, and one for Uncle Rod. The final line was horizontal, and when asked, she said that was me "resting." It made me sad to think that I've been sick for so long that she's become accustomed to me being in bed, or resting most of the time. But from her eyes, her three year old perspective, it has been forever. I can't wait until she has no memory of me being sick, no memory of me being more an observer than a father.

When I awoke this morning, the first thing I did was wake her up and give her a big hug and kiss.

love,

Cj

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Batman Begins

I just re-watched Batman Begins on DVD. I had watched it in the theater when it first came out, and had been impressed. Not only did it have a compelling story, but it also had an excellent cast that fit. Michael Caine, Rutger Hauer, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, etc etc. The story was much darker in theme than the last few Batman movies, but it did an excellent job of establishing the backstory to Batman. Even if you don't like comic based movies, I think you may like this.

In contrast, I'm still upset about how bad King Kong was. Forget about the special effects, they were fine, even outstanding in instances. But I always felt like I was watching computer generated graphics. The story is so feeble and short, with cliche'd characters, that you really don't care about them. And the casting was atrocious. I don't know why Naomi Watts was cast, but her performance was poor, only surpassed in ineptitude by the miscast Jack Black. It seemed that Black's acting reportoire consisted of a cross between quizzical scowl and raised eyebrow. Being fair to Black, it's not as if his role was something that an actor could sink his teeth into.

When I watched King Kong in the theater, I was still recovering from my surgery. When I sat for too long in the same position, I experienced a lot of pain. At the time, the length of King Kong exacerbated this pain, and I thought perhaps I was hard on it for no justifiable reason. Yet looking back, I still think that Peter Jackson was exercising too much self-indulgence in having the movie run so long. We don't even see Kong until 90 minutes into the movie. Some movies deserve to be long (any of the LOTR movies for example), yet there's a disturbing trend. When a director is successful and in high demand, there are less and less restrictions placed on them by the studios and producers.

Restrictions and constraints are important for successful movies in my opinion. if money's no object, then the director will spend a lot of time doing reshoots until the scene is "perfect." Yet many scenes are actually better when the pressure is on to get the shot in the can. Pressure is a good way of forcing directors to focus on what's really important, instead of indulging in excess shots and scenes that don't propel the story. I think a perfect example of this is George Lucas. When he was filming Star Wars, he was beholden to 20th Century Fox for money and script approval.

This led to him having to make hard decisions about which scenes to shoot, and which to include during editing. The result: his best movie. Fast forward twenty five years, and look at Episode 1-3. Now I'll grant that the special effects are much better, but these movies have little heart. Lucas is surrounded by yes-men and sycophants who won't tell him no. Gary Kurtz who was the producer for Star Wars and the Empire Strikes Back left Lucasfilm partially because Lucas didn't want to hear what Gary was telling him. Now Lucas indulges himself in jokes about flatulence, camel excrement, and senators run amok. All because he financed the movies himself. All because he has no restraints, no real pressure, nobody to answer to.

I don't begrudge Lucas the right to do so. It's his universe, so he can play with it as he wants. But I don't think anyone will be discussing the cinematic merits of his last three movies in 30 years. The financial return will be well remembered, but for most people, the vision of Jar Jar Binks has tarnished what was once a promising director's legacy. This should be a cautionary tale for any of the new breed of directors.

love,

Cj

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Day Three

I think that this cycle is going better than the previous two, or I'm just coping better. I still have the same side effects, but my energy level and mood seems much better. Each day has good times (and bad times). I've been better about getting plenty of sleep, and that seems to be the big difference. If I could kick this cold that's been lingering for weeks, it'd be even better. I hope things keep going this way...

love,

Cj

Monday, January 09, 2006

Six Months

I just realized that we've crossed the six month threshold in my cancer treatment. Why that makes a difference, I'm not sure. We measure so much of our lives in years, and that just seems like a long time. I have a hard time looking forward six months, and looking back to last summer makes me sad when I think of how much time and energy was consumed by my cancer.

According to the chemo schedule, I should be done taking chemo on March 4th. Eight weeks to go.

love,

Cj

When less is more

During today's clinic visit, I was told that I don't have to go through six chemo cycles as originally planned. Instead I'll just do five. I'm not sure why the reduction, but part of me doesn't care. It might be how I'm holding up with the current dosages, or we may have just misunderstood the oncologist when he outlined the treatment plan. Either way, one less cycle. I was so happy I almost cried.

love,

Cj

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Stop, I want to get off

Time goes so slowly during chemo, and speeds up too quickly during my off week. Then I start to dread the upcoming Monday. Oh well. At least I have a good idea of how each cycle will go now. I just need to get through the first 4-5 days, then it starts getting tolerable.

love,

Cj

Monday, January 02, 2006

I for one, welcome our new media overlords

Newton Minnow famously stated that when tv is bad "nothing is worse" and most of what we watch is a "vast wasteland." When cable tv arrived, pundits always touted that "now we have 700 channels, and nothing to watch." Well, today I realized the true, sublime beauty of cable; AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE ROSE PARADE.

See, I grew up with a tv that only received the Big Three networks. Oh, PBS might have come in on some UHF channel (ha, do people even know about those anymore?), but you were generally stuck with ABC, CBS, and NBC. So you would wake up only to discover a truly Orwellian conspiracy; everyone broadcasting the Rose Parade. For hours upon hours. Endless footage of floats with stars past their prime waving to crowds in Pasadena. I truly hated the Rose Parade. Mind numbingly boring. As a kid, nothing could be more boring. I dreamt of a float catching on fire and setting off a chain reaction of burning floats. I hoped it would be like the crash of the HIndenburg, all over in 90 seconds or so. And so I suffered for years.

Yet this morning, as I watched the same three outdated media dinosaurs broadcasting the Parade, I gleefully changed to a different channel and breathed a sigh of relief as I realized that my kids won't grow up traumatized by repeated overexposure to inane floats. Their giggles and laughter at Barney left me content that I had fulfilled my parental obligations by making their lives just a bit better than what I lived through.

love,

Cj

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Christmas in South Dakota














Christmas In Lincoln


Home

Five hours driving on seriously reduced padding is no fun. But the payoff is in seeing the smile on the face of your children's grandparents. Dutch lives for his kids and grandkids, and this Christmas was no exception. Maddie went toboggoning in the snow, and Emily charmed the pants off everyone who held her. All in all a great visit.

love,

Cj