Reality

I'm amazed at how kind people can be. People have been so nice to me for the last 4 months, that I've forgotten the little slights, insults, and indignities that people can inflict on others. I truly believe that most people will do the nice/right thing when given enough time to think, but often we let our environment and our moods interfere.

I guess where I'm going with this is that after a wonderful phone call with someone today, I realized how nice everyone was being to me, and it actually made me sad. It made me realize how serious things are. When you're really sick, people walk around on eggshells, afraid to upset you. Realizing this was a bit of reality that had been absent for a week. Whenever I talk to friends and family on the phone I notice that I'm always trying to put up a brave front, so that they don't worry. But deep down I'm still awfully scared. The fact that I'm still on heavy painkillers a week after discharge scares me. The fact that I haven't had a good night's sleep in 2 weeks scares me.

That's a good thing I think, though fear is not always a welcome emotion. Fear can be a powerful motivator, but it can also do a lot of damage. I just have to take each day one at a time.

I'll get better each day, and then one day someone will say something mean and I'll realize I'm completely healed. I can't wait for that day...

love,

Cj

Recovery

I was going to write about each day in the hospital, but I don't have the energy. Sitting at the computer for more than 5 minutes is really difficult, and I'll just save the essays for another day.

I'm feeling much better, both physically and emotionally. I'm still in constant pain, but the pain meds dull it enough to tolerate. Being at home is 100% better than being stuck in the hospital, and seeing my girls is fantastic medicine.

Anyways, I'm going to go watch Game Four of the WS, and get some sleep. Thank you to everyone who prayed, wrote, called, emailed, or just had me in their thoughts while I was in surgery, and while I recover. It helped...

love,

Cj

Back

I'm home. Sore, very sore. Tired, very tired.

but home.

love

Cj

He's Coming Home!!!!!

Tomorrow's the day. The girls and I are so anxious to have him home and I know he's anxious to be here. I'll let Chris fill you in on all the things that went wrong for him today. I will tell you that he got his epidural out and that the rest of him will go 'wireless' tomorrow morning. We should have him back be the middle of the afternoon. Woo Hoo!!!
Love, Jen

Progress

Chris is making good progress. It doesn't look like he'll be able to come home until Wednesday or Thursday though. He is walking about 4 times a day (which he hates) and is also eating jello and drinking all the water he wants. He tires very quickly and isn't able to get much restful sleep what with the discomfort and incessant interruptions that come with hospital wards. The girls miss their Daddy. Maddie picked a flower for him today on our walk home from school. They are both holding up very well though and have been complete angels the last few days. OK, ALMOST angels. They are my daughters too, after all. ;)
So, we are taking everything day by day and are anxiously waiting the King's return to his castle.

Love, Jen

'NOde' News is Good News

We got the pathology report back today and the cancer had not spread to any lymph nodes. This is fantastic news and a tremendous relief. Chris has been tired today, but was able to start drinking apple juice. Also, the neuropathy he was experiencing in his hands is almost completely gone. Each day brings another step down the path and another step closer to having him home.

Love, Jen

One Step at a Time

Just a quick post to let all of you know that Chris is doing very well. He has been up and walking a few times. He even did a lap around the surgical floor. He stills tires easily, but is very talkative when he's awake. Still not sure what day he will go home. I'll post again when I do.
Love,
Jen

It's Out

Chris wanted me to keep everyone informed through the blog as there are so many people to contact. The tumor is out and the surgery went well. We will not have the results from pathology until Friday. Then we will know if there is any lymph node involvement. Chris is resting now and is in room #631 of St. Elizabeth's. I am not sure yet how long he will be in the hospital, but I know he would appreciate any calls or visits. Also, I want to personally extend a very sincere, yet somehow inadequate, thank you to everyone for their love, support and prayers. I will keep posting as best I can. Please feel free to leave comments or call us.
Love, Jen

Visiting Info

My surgery starts at 7:30am and will probably take 3-6 hours depending on how it proceeds. St. Elizabeth's doesn't have scheduled visiting hours so you can visit me any time it's convenient. If I need more rest, the nurses will just give you the boot. I know that visiting hospitals is hard for some of you, and I understand that some folks just won't be able to visit. That's cool. I do hope that people visit me. I wouldn't have made it this far without all the support you've given me.

If you do come and visit, simply stop at the main admissions desk and they'll direct you to my room. I think I'm going to be on the 6th floor, but who knows. I'll probably be in the hospital until Sunday barring some miracle.

love,

Cj

Turning Points

20/20 hindsight is never as accurate as we think. Although our perspective seems perfect, the past is always tinged by our own values and experiences. We also "see" things in the past as we wish to see them. Having said that, I can see three major turning points in my life; moving to Nebraska, marrying Jen, and having children. Now I'm faced with a turning point that isn't by choice, but necessity.

Life isn't going to be the same after tomorrow. There's no turning back, no changing minds, no exploring other options. That's been a hard thing to accept. Commitment has always seemed like something we decide upon, that we agree to (however reluctantly). Yet commitment really means that there's no turning back.

I've held on to this notion that I have a choice in things now, when I'm really just along for the ride. I tried to gain some sense of control by understanding what was happening and why, but that doesn't correspond to control. It's like a physicist stepping onto a modern rollercoaster. He may understand all the interactions between gravity and momentum, friction and acceleration, but once he's strapped in, he's just along for the ride.

Trying to keep things abstract has been another coping mechanism for me. This blog has been a key part of that. If I put things down as words, they lose their power over me. It's worked pretty well until the last few days. Reality has a subtle way of intruding into our lives.

I'm in good hands. I'm blessed with a tremendously supportive family, a loving wife, two kids who adore me. I'm going to be at an excellent hospital with a talented surgeon wielding the scalpel. I have a church that has brought my faith back to life, and friends that prop me up when I stumble. I don't think it's using 20/20 hindsight to say that I'm a very lucky man...

love,

Cj

Almost There...

Well, I start a lot of pre-op stuff tomorrow, meeting with the anesthesiologist, ostomy nurse, and I'll get pre-admitted. Then I'm restricted from eating anything from 5pm on, so I'll probably pack a big lunch.

love

Cj

Peek A Boo

Three Part Act

It's not unusual for the best stories/plays/movies to consist of three parts. It creates a natural dramatic tension that helps propel the story along to its conclusion. I guess I'm about to start Act 2 next week, and we'll see if it ends in a cliffhanger. It's strange knowing that my life will irrevocably change next week, although it's changed a lot in the three months. In a way I'm eager. That sounds strange when I consider the details of my surgery, details that I'm not all that enthusiastic about. But eager nonetheless.

love,

Cj